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We dive into the transformative power of recovery with Courtney Barrows McKeown, a surgeon who shares her journey of sobriety and resilience. From navigating career setbacks to fostering personal growth, Courtney discusses how tools like pausing, gratitude, and radical acceptance have empowered her to thrive in the face of challenges. Her story highlights the strength found in community, the importance of self-compassion, and how recovery became her superpower.
Courtney Barrows McKeown is a surgeon.
She discusses the KevinMD article, “The gifts of sobriety: Navigating career disappointments with grace and resilience.”
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Transcript
Kevin Pho: Hi, and welcome to the show. Subscribe at kevinmd.com slash podcast. Today, we welcome Courtney Barrows McKeown. She’s a general surgeon. Today’s KevinMD article is “The gifts of sobriety: Navigating career disappointments with grace and resilience.” Courtney, welcome to the show.
Courtney Barrows McKeown: Thank you for having me on, Kevin.
Kevin Pho: So let’s start by briefly sharing your story and journey.
Courtney Barrows McKeown: Sure, so I’m a general surgeon. I currently work in a small private practice that’s surgeon-owned. I have two other female surgeon partners, and I’m based in Columbia, Tennessee, which is about 45 minutes south of Nashville. I’ve only been here for about six months. My husband and I actually just made the big move to take this job from New Hampshire, and we’ve pretty much been lifelong New Englanders. So this was a big move for us, but it was just a really amazing opportunity for multiple reasons. I couldn’t pass it up. And so he’s been supportive of that as well as along many parts of my journey.
Going back, I grew up in a suburb of Boston in Massachusetts, did my undergrad at Boston College, worked for a couple of years, and then went to medical school at New York Medical College. I had pretty much, you know, done incredibly well in med school and was very achievement-oriented, very perfectionist, which is not uncommon in the, especially the surgical field, but certainly medicine in general.
Then I did my residency training at Beth Israel Deaconess in Boston. I was there for eight years doing, you know, residency, but also it was an academic program, so we had research built in. After that, I did a brief fellowship stint in Cleveland for a pancreas and hepatobiliary fellowship. And that’s sort of where my journey started definitely diverging into a different path, which we can certainly get into.
But to keep it brief, another important part about me is that I have been in recovery from substance use and alcohol use disorder for a little over three and a half years now. Getting to this point has been lots of trials and tribulations, a lot of setbacks, which have been for the most part, you know, self-imposed, but nonetheless were really difficult to get out of. But with some help and acceptance and all of those things, I was able to get my life back on track and my career back on track.
This is actually my second job out of training. I was working in a community hospital in southern New Hampshire, and, you know, even the setback I had at that particular job, I can look back now and see why it always had to happen that way. I had been practicing at that point. You know, things had been really going well for me as I was doing the right things, prioritizing my recovery—because without that, I can’t have all of the other things—but also, you know, being a good doctor and a good surgeon, and my patients, you know, loved me. Sometimes life just happens, though, and so I got a good experience in that a couple of years ago—or I should say actually a little under a couple of years ago. I was about two years sober at the time when I got laid off through nothing related to my background. It was just owned by a for-profit corporation, you know, some financial restructuring.
Then is where I started realizing that my past had not fully—you know, it was not as much in my rear view as I thought. I had a really hard time initially finding a good fit, and so that job search process was very frustrating. But ultimately, through doing some additional networking and coaching and better understanding myself and even using that really difficult period of my life as an opportunity to grow and learn something, you know, I was able to get this opportunity.
So then, you know, I think I’m finally past all of this. I have this amazing job with these amazing partners and our amazing staff, and everything seemed to be one of those, like, you know, written-in-the-stars kind of moments in terms of how that happened. I think, you know, I got my license in Tennessee and everything was going well. And then, you know, what kind of inspired the article was this additional event that occurred that resulted in some delays in me being able to do what I’m, you know, supposed to be doing for my career. So we can certainly get into that.
Kevin Pho: Yeah, so let’s talk about that in your KevinMD article, “The gifts of sobriety: Navigating career disappointments with grace and resilience.” Tell me about the story that led to you writing this article.
Courtney Barrows McKeown: Yeah, sure. So about nine months ago or so was actually when my now-partner had also maybe encouraged me. I had always been transparent about my past because I did have some pretty significant consequences that occurred as a result of my, you know, substance use and addiction that I was going to have to disclose anyway. So I’ve always been transparent about it in, you know, jobs and things. But I finally had gotten a little—I really was wanting to do this anyway, but really sharing my story in a more public manner because I still remember the me from three and a half years ago feeling so hopeless and really trying to grasp for any sort of story that I could relate to in terms of, you know, a young surgeon who might have been able to get their career back on track, you know, with similar setbacks that I had been facing.
I didn’t really find it at that time. I fortunately had some other things that worked in my favor in terms of having a mental health provider and a supportive husband, and so things really didn’t get too far down, you know, the dark path, but it was dark for a while.
Anyway, I guess my point in saying that is just that I’ve been able to tell my story now in a way where for a long time I had been, you know, feeling like the victim and then villainizing other people. In being in recovery, it forces me to—you don’t have to be in recovery to do this, but it’s just my sobriety sort of requires it. I have more humility. When something happens, I get resentful, and I look at what my part of it is first. And I think if we’re really being honest with ourselves, there’s always something we are, you know, part of, whether it’s even just something affecting us more than it should, but usually there’s something a little bit more.
That has allowed me to then grow into this person I am now, which, you know, attracted this particular partner and job opportunity, because I’m really just being myself. So, you know, I had gotten offered this job actually about a year ago now. Back in December, I was down here interviewing, which we laugh about now because we’re interviewing a partner currently. Anyway, there’s just some déjà vu.
So it’s taken a while for me to get my license because I had to disclose things, and everything went well along the way. I mean, I didn’t have—I had to interview for my license, but I got it. I got my malpractice, you know. And then what happened was, there were some delays which neither of us foresaw, to be honest. And I think it was actually a very disappointing and, you know, maybe initially devastating event for both of us, you know, my partners and me, because there’s, you know, for different reasons. But there were some delays to me getting credentialed at this hospital, and it had mainly—there are a lot of different reasons for it, some of them really political. I know you’ve had other people on before talking about these sham peer reviews and things like that, and I think there’s a lot of stuff that happens behind closed doors that you’re not privy to.
Anyway, it was a little—it was not an outright denial, but there was going to be a substantial delay and potentially a changing of the plan. I was obviously—it took a while for me to get, you know, I was definitely at an impasse, so to speak. But through all this—and that was about, you know, a little under six months ago now—I’m getting to the point where we’re pretty much on the other side of that. And it’s so easy to see now, but I had already had, you know, unfortunately enough experience with overcoming setbacks, even in sobriety, that weren’t self-imposed ones, where I could tell that—I could recognize this feeling, this feeling of anger, you know, but which was really just a secondary emotion of probably powerlessness and uncertainty. And I’ve lived through those things already, and in events that were, you know, potentially, you could say, arguably more difficult to overcome.
I handled this with a lot more grace than I have in events past. I’ll just, you know, say that. There were many reasons for it. I shouldn’t chalk it all up to my sobriety, but the lessons I’ve learned in that, being someone who’s in recovery—those principles have allowed me to handle it with a level of serenity and grace that I really haven’t had in the past when things have not gone my way.
Kevin Pho: Can you talk a little bit about the substance abuse that you had in years past that kind of led to these obstacles, just for a bit of context?
Courtney Barrows McKeown: Sure, yeah, and I’ll try to be brief because it is a story seven years in the making. But it initially started as a stimulant medication that I was taking when I was actually in my research sabbatical during residency. That quickly snowballed because I had taken it to help me focus, thinking, you know, I was overwhelmed with all these projects, and somehow that was going to make me better, more productive, when in fact the opposite happened. That was my first experience—my first brush with addiction. Fortunately, I didn’t have—I became involved with a physician health program at that time, rightfully so, after getting some outpatient treatment, but that was my first experience with addiction. Certainly it runs in my family, so I was set up for it, not to mention just my personality type, I think, is also a setup for it.
You know, things had been going OK, but I wasn’t really working a program. I was kind of just checking boxes and doing what I was supposed to do because I wanted to keep working. And then in Cleveland, when I was in my fellowship, that’s where things really went off the rails, because I no longer had my support system to rely on at home, but also just the external validation I’d been used to in residency, because, you know, I had been there for eight years, I had done very well, I had gained a lot of respect, and now you’re put in this new place, which can be very jarring for anyone, regardless of your predilections toward different diseases. In my case, I couldn’t handle—I wasn’t in an environment that was going to be, like, in-your-face external validation, and I could not handle that. And so I resorted to drinking wine at home to cope with ultimately, you know, feelings of worthlessness and just anxiety about going in the next day, and just numbing pain, basically, because at that time, I could—I had an opportunity to get those tools, but I couldn’t really accept my disease. And so I really didn’t embrace a program and use my recovery tools like I can now to deal with some of those things.
That resulted in me having some consequences, which involved getting let go, and, you know, unfortunately, I was in a state that happened to be kind of punitive—pretty punitive at the time. Things have changed, but I was not drinking at work. But because I was on contract and got caught with a test, you know, it resulted in a suspension of my license. So that was a big obstacle to overcome. But really, at the end of the day, I needed that. That needed to happen for me to take this seriously, to take my recovery seriously, to take my health seriously. Something worse would have happened down the line if it wasn’t that. So, you know, I am grateful for that having happened, regardless of how, you know, at the time unfair it may have seemed.
So I was then able to get that time that I naturally had built in with the suspension and with getting the license back and getting treatment to reprioritize what I really wanted out of my career. I realized that while academia and, you know, maybe even uber-specialization is the right path for some people, it was not the right path for me. There was a lot of personal growth that had to happen to get me to realize I love being a surgeon, and the parts that I love are not necessarily writing papers and grants and all of the things. And so I got a job as a general surgeon in a community hospital in New Hampshire after getting my license back in Ohio and then back, you know, getting a full license in New Hampshire without any issues.
Kevin Pho: On your journey to sobriety, what would you say is the biggest thing that you learned about yourself?
Courtney Barrows McKeown: So I would say that, well, I’m a lot more resilient than I ever thought I was. I mean, if someone had told the me from maybe five or ten years ago that all of this was going to happen, I’d say, “All right, just lock me in a room and never leave.” It would have been too much. One of the things I’ve learned—and this is something that’s been so important, and it doesn’t have to be big things; it can be in small situations too. I mean, this was a fairly dramatic event that happened six months ago, but, you know, in day-to-day stuff, is like the power of the pause.
My sponsor, who I still have the same one today—in fact, it’s just so amazing. I think the relationships for me, too, I don’t think I realized the importance of connection with other people on the level that I have today, how enriching that is for your life and your career. But, you know, certainly I don’t need a lot of achievements and things like that to make me feel whole. But she basically has been doing this with me because I can get worked up. I mean, even now, I can still—you know, I can let something get me up to—I think I said in my article, she really, this woman, can get me from like 60 to zero in record time. My husband is always just mesmerized by it. I wear a pause-button pin. It’s literally just when you start feeling your—you know, I can actually feel it in my body usually. It’s almost like I can feel my blood pressure getting higher.
Certainly over the course of this disappointment that I’m referring to in the article, it’s happened many times in interacting with certain individuals. I really just have to, like, just—even if it’s going in the other room, pausing, you know, taking a deep breath. Definitely, I don’t think there’s ever any situation—other than maybe a surgical emergency—where me responding right away ever gets me anywhere good. I need time to process certain things, and usually then I come back to a place of, yeah, I’m still upset, and there’s still a lot of stuff that wasn’t right about it, but I can see now, too, that this actually turned into a much better opportunity, and I’m so grateful for it. And I can also have empathy for the people around me, because, you know, this was really painful for my partner to go through as well, just in a different manner because of, you know, people involved and whatnot.
So I would say the power of the pause has been a big thing, and then also just understanding it’s not all about me, and really just taking accountability for my actions, but also just my life. I mean, it’s not my fault that I have this disease, but it is my responsibility to basically take control of my recovery, and that I can do. That has been— I was able to reflect, I think, in this disappointment in particular, how far I’ve come in that, because my level of acceptance came a lot sooner and a lot smoother landing than it has in the past. Part of it was due to the recovery, and part of it was due to the fact that I have had an incredibly supportive—I mean, I really struck the jackpot with my group, and that allowed me to accept help from other people. And now we’re all actually going to be growing as a result of it, so it’s just really cool.
Kevin Pho: Now, you said that during the credentialing process, there may have been some reservations behind closed doors. Do you have any insight as to what some of those reservations were?
Courtney Barrows McKeown: I do. I think it’s not—I like to not harp too much on the specifics of it only because really, I think in the past I’ve— I don’t like airing my dirty laundry. But it had to do more with gaps in practice and what’s considered, you know, what can we do about it? Because that’s actually going to be something that I think the health care industry, as you well know, is getting more and more unstable by the day. Layoffs are happening, there’s a lot of turmoil at work, and I think people are going to be changing jobs a lot more frequently and potentially crossing state lines. Whenever you cross state lines, there are going to be delays. And so I think we need to be better as a whole group, and not just, you know, rely on these archaic rules sometimes that are put in place that people know aren’t right.
Mine had to do with a gap in practice in particular, which of course—there was some subjectivity, I’ll just say that, taken with that too, which was very frustrating for me to deal with at the time. But, you know, because I had been practicing before, it wasn’t like I was coming straight out of training and then didn’t work for a while. But at any rate, that was mainly what it was about. I think that when these closed-door conversations happen, it may sometimes initially be driven by one particular person who poisons the well, so to speak, and then everybody kind of just jumps on the bandwagon. I don’t really know a lot of the—again, I don’t want to say too much more than that, of course, protecting the confidentiality process, but these things are just—every committee, too, has its own rules.
So, you know, the American Board of Surgery has a two-year—it’s not really a requirement, but sort of a guideline for a reentry program at that point, when it’s been two consecutive years, which it had not been for me. But, you know, I think the long and short of it is you may encounter these things, and I think how you respond to it and how you can maybe address them—if you can negotiate at all with them— it’s always better to come from a place of not being angry about it, because you’re never going to get anything done that way. I think also just thinking about other options, opportunities, because there are places that don’t do that too. And that’s what happened in my case: it allowed us to find an opportunity that had a significant need of coverage in a rural area not far from us, and it’s going to allow me to grow into a leadership role, a lot of things I wouldn’t have probably had, had it just gone exactly the way it was supposed to once I got here. And now we’re bringing in new partners—that wasn’t even the case before. I’m going to have somebody to mentor when they graduate their residency and join us next year. It’s just really interesting how all that unfolded. But yeah, that’s all I’ll say on it for now without getting too—
Kevin Pho: We’re talking to Courtney Barrows McKeown. She’s a general surgeon. Today’s KevinMD article is “The gifts of sobriety: Navigating career disappointments with grace and resilience.” Courtney, let’s end with some pieces of advice that you could share with other physicians who may be on a similar path to where you were, and then end with some take-home messages.
Courtney Barrows McKeown: Sure. I think number one is that—and again, I’ve had enough practice with these, geez, life quakes, really, as I would call them, or I think I’m reading “life in transitions” right now—but at any rate, to know that when they happen, it really sucks. I mean, it’s just hard to see the forest for the trees, but if you may feel like something’s hopeless, it’s never hopeless. There’s always some other way around it, regardless of how bad it may seem at the time.
I would recommend the first thing people do is take care of themselves, though, and I don’t mean just physically and mentally, but also ensuring that your thought process around this whole thing is right and that you’re trying to own your story and your parts of the story, taking accountability rather than—even when things are wrong, like casting yourself in the victim role and them in the villain role, it gives you no power. And you, you know, there’s powerlessness in those situations as opposed to being able to switch the narrative and move forward. That’ll really keep you in that, you know, sucky part for a lot longer and just prolong the suffering. So if you can, you know, try and embrace the suffering part, realize it’s a lesson for you to learn, and probably is a jumping-off point for something in the future, it makes it a lot easier to tolerate, I would say, when, you know, hard stuff happens.
Those are the two big things I would take away from it.
Kevin Pho: Courtney, thank you so much for sharing your story, perspective, and insight. Thanks again for coming on the show.
Courtney Barrows McKeown: Thank you, Kevin.
