I’m only sharing this story today to illustrate something about myself and my perspective on love: being expressive with it.
I am not discussing only romantic love here. I’m talking about the affection we have for so many individuals around us, including our parents, siblings, friends, teachers, coworkers, neighbors, pets, and even strangers.
Sometimes we fall in love with a random person’s actions, something they say, the way they seem, speak, or pour their heart and soul into something. (I’m not sure if this happens to many people, but it happens to me very frequently.)
Those typical three words are never essential when expressing affection. Sometimes the quick tears that well up in your eyes when you see something or someone you love are enough.
We’ve been conditioned since childhood not to cry. Many elders try to stop their children from crying by scolding them or scaring them with unpleasant words. Those elders grow terrified when they hear children cry or witness the tears they shed. Those tears and cries bring them so much anxiety. They have accumulated their emotions over time, becoming inflexible and unwilling to express themselves. Their insecurity makes them uncomfortable when they see children weep.
When you suppress someone’s tears, you essentially tell them not to show their feelings. Many children and adults learn this behavior over time, though there are numerous exceptions.
I was always one of those exceptions.
My personality is defined by two traits: impulsivity and emotional expression at all times. I can never stop or feel shy about expressing what’s on my mind. You could say there is no filter between what’s in my heart and how I convey it.
I always express my respect and love honestly. If I like something about someone or admire one of their traits, I communicate it right away.
I can’t consider the implications or weigh the pros and cons of my choices. It doesn’t matter who the other person is. If I love someone, I’ll tell them in some way, though most often it will be through a gesture or a gift that conveys my feelings immediately.
Unfortunately, in our society, being judgmental and displeased when someone expresses their emotions so openly is very common. For example, I admire my supervisor, and I’ve expressed that in every way I could. I’ve given him gifts, brought him food he enjoys, and wished him a Happy Father’s and Teacher’s Day every year.
I’ve given him cards, openly stating how much I appreciate his supervision and how much I like him as a teacher. When I completed my residency, I gifted him a large framed photograph of us from a departmental event. I believe he hid it somewhere, and I have never seen that photo again.
We are so terrified of other people’s judgment that we hide away tokens of affection, even when they show someone openly expressing love. If it’s a colleague’s birthday whom I adore, I will never hesitate to post a status expressing my genuine wishes or affection for them. Many people say, “He/she is just a colleague,” but I’m never afraid to show my affection.
If I adore a patient and they appreciate my care, I will never hesitate to hug them or kiss them on the cheek because I cannot hide my emotions.
I sometimes feel proud of this quality because it’s unusual. In a world full of bitterness, loneliness, and sadness, it’s comforting to know that someone admires you or shows their affection openly.
As a doctor working in oncology, seeing so many patients die each day, I believe it’s important to make people feel loved, important, and appreciated. If they look good or have dressed beautifully, there’s no harm in telling them that day.
If I love someone, now is the right time to tell them. Otherwise, when will I? When they’re no longer here?
People say I am overly emotional, sensitive, and stupid, and that I do not think before I act. But I read somewhere:
“To tell someone not to be emotional is to tell them to be dead.”
— Jeanette Winterson, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal
Damane Zehra is a radiation oncology resident in Pakistan.
