Your ‘Righteous Gemstones’ Top Christ-Follower Draft Board, Week 7

JACOB JONES (Steve Little). Look, we’re not even sure he’ll ever be back again after last week, but what a spot to deploy a McBride Players special teams all-star like Little. With White Lotus sunsetted, he’s here to hike his hairline up to the heavens and claim the HBO Sunday evening throne of Sunday’s most inexplicably intoxicating accent—and he’s fresh out of Dippity-Do.

BIG GUS (An Alligator). Got fed and set up for a near-certain triumphant return as Chekhov’s Gator. Huge week for Big Gus. One to watch.

STEADY

PONTIUS GEMSTONE (Kelton DuMont). Captured in episode 7 in a crystalline moment of perfect balance. The stats tell the story:

Did whippits at church: +100

Got busted by his extremely uncool family in front of friends: -100

Shown up by his brother absolutely shredding in front of his friends

Extended a hand to said brother and healed a painful family rift in doing so: +100

BJ (Tim Baltz). At first glance, nothing but open field in front of him, a tremendous accomplishment in itself after taking the season’s most ignominious physical hit. Scored what may very well end up being the line reading of the season (another incredible feat, given the company he’s in) based on the words “prepackaged fajita meat” alone. May have finally found the one soul in the world who knows his true worth. Unfortunately, that soul inhabits the form of his newly acquired service monkey, Dr. Watson. Also unfortunately, it’s draft time, and at draft time we tell the truth: We’re not sure it’s possible for anybody to come out ahead of the massive psychic debt you place on the ledger by marrying Judy in the first place.

TIFFANY FREEMAN (Valyn Hall). Has spent most of this season watching her husband disintegrate, but looks fantastic so let’s call it a draw? Potential upside: May have been late to the Teenjus shoot because she was making love to the Freemans’ terrifying Teutonic nanny. Which, to be clear, she deserves to do if she likes.

DR. WATSON (A Capuchin Monkey). An unlikely late-blooming success story displaying a number of signs he came to compete, not the least of which involves setting clearly delineated personal boundaries (in this case, staking his territory out in the boudoir by winging loose fajita meat at Judy). Cannot imagine a deeper betrayal to a child of evangelicals than getting attacked by the foundational protein of every strip mall Texican feast. Is the only cast member this season to have their ass washed on camera to date. His biggest red flag, however, seems likely to be his undoing: He’s gone and made an enemy of Judy, on purpose. There’s showboating, and then there’s outright death-wishing.